


Cascade

by DGCatAniSiri



Series: Hurricane [1]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-22
Updated: 2014-06-22
Packaged: 2018-02-05 18:38:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,229
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1828263
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DGCatAniSiri/pseuds/DGCatAniSiri
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The first human Spectre has three problems: One, fate can't seem to let him shower in peace. Two, his crew seems to have nothing better to do than gossip about his love life. Three, his brain is stuck on the Kaidan Alenko channel.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Cascade

On a ship the size of the _Normandy,_ space was at a premium. The crew slept in a communal barracks, with no room for personal effects. Soldiers were supposed to live light anyway. If it can’t fit in an overhead bag, you left it behind. Only the captain got a bed and a room all to himself. Commander Shepard wasn’t pleased to have gained the captaincy of the _Normandy_ at Captain Anderson’s expense, but he had to admit, a private bed appealed to him. And a private shower. Good God, the idea of a shower lasting longer than five minutes, as the crew had to be judicious when it came to how much time they spent in there so as not to leave a line waiting, was so appealing, it almost was enough to get Shepard to consider it worth it. 

With the _Normandy_ detached from the Citadel and making its way towards the relay that would send it out to Therum and Doctor T’Soni, currently their only lead on the whereabouts of the rogue Spectre Saren and his ally, Matriarch Benezia, it seemed the perfect opportunity to indulge in a warm shower. Maybe even an extended soak in the tub, as the Captain’s head had a separate bath and shower. The Alliance sure knew how to spoil its CO’s. Shepard couldn’t decide whether to be appreciative of the effort or irritated at the opulence wasted on giving the CO creature comforts while the other crewmen had to make do. Rank hath its privileges, but there was a fine line between privilege and excess.

Still, he found it impossible to resist the siren call of a nice, warm, extended shower. Politics always did leave him feeling unclean. That alone was excuse enough to throw off his clothes and turn on the shower. He sighed in contentment as the water cascaded over him. Given everything that had happened, from Eden Prime, to the beacon and its vision, all the way to being made the first human Spectre (and gee, wasn’t that something to enjoy, having the eyes of the entire galaxy watching you either succeed or fail), this was long overdue. He’d spent most of the trip to the Citadel from Eden Prime unconscious in the medical bay and a relaxing shower hadn’t been a priority during his search for evidence of Saren’s betrayal. Finally, though, he could relax.

Naturally, almost five minutes into his relaxing shower, the door chime rang.

_Someone up there has a lousy sense of humor._

Reluctantly, Shepard turned off the shower and hastily threw a towel on, making sure it was secure before answering. Kaidan Alenko clearly hadn’t been expecting his CO to answer the door nearly naked, and spent a few moments collecting himself. Shepard couldn’t resist a smirk.

“Something I can do for you, Lieutenant?” he asked, crossing his arms. 

Kaidan blinked a couple times before regaining his composure. “Uh, sorry, Commander. I didn’t mean to intrude. I just... wanted to bring a few things to your attention. It can wait until you’re... finished.”

Shepard shrugged. Getting that relaxing shower he wanted was probably an affront to some set of deities out there. “Burden of command. CO’s are never really off duty, Alenko. Take a seat, I’ll be back out in a moment.” He motioned to the small table and the open chairs around it as he turned and returned to the head to throw on his standard tunic. He tossed the towel aside. “I’m listening,” he called.

“I’ve been paying attention to some of the crew, and... There’s some concern about the aliens we have on board.” Shepard wasn’t exactly surprised. He’d expected to hear something from Admiral Hackett or someone after he’d sent the updated crew manifest to Alliance HQ, the one that listed Garrus, Wrex, and Tali as crewmen. 

“Isn’t this something that Pressly should be bringing to my attention?” Shepard asked as he finished dressing. Pressly was the XO, it was his job to be the liaison between the captain and the crew. 

“That’s actually why I’m doing this, Commander. I heard these things from Pressly.”

Shepard considered that. He knew Pressly came from a long line of Alliance military. Anyone who had family serving during the First Contact War generally had a chip on their shoulder when it came to aliens, particularly turians. Still, if humanity was going to make it among the Citadel races, earn a place on the Council, and prove that they deserved everything that the Alliance had been working for over the last thirty years, they had to put attitudes like that aside.

“I’ll talk to Pressly. Thanks for bringing this to my attention, Lieutenant.”

“It’s my duty, sir.” Kaidan moved to get up.

“What’s your opinion, Alenko?”

Kaidan stopped and turned back to Shepard. “Sir?”

“On the aliens. What’s your stance?”

Kaidan took a minute, clearly not having expected to be asked for an opinion on the matter. “Whatever Saren is planning is big. We need all the help we can get. Turning away anyone who wants to help is a mistake in my opinion, sir. Whether that means human, quarian, turian, or krogan.”

Shepard nodded, then waited a few moments. When he realized that Kaidan was waiting on him to continue the conversation, he flashed a supportive smile to him. “This isn’t an interrogation, Lieutenant. I want to know your opinion. If you want, consider this entire conversation off the record.”

Kaidan seemed a little unsure of himself at that, but recovered. “In my opinion, Commander, I think most people, humans and aliens alike, place too much emphasis on species. There are sinners and saints in any race, human, turian, asari, quarian. No species has some single defining trait, something that every member of that species does or believes in, despite what some of the old vids might want you to believe. I judge people for who they are, not what they call themselves.”

“I don’t meet many people who look at things with that viewpoint.”

“Must come from being a biotic, sir. When the first human biotics developed their abilities, no human had the experience needed to train us in how to utilize them. Asari, turian, krogan... They all had plenty of biotics, and had for centuries. There was no other option but to ask for their assistance. It was hard to hold onto any notions of human solidarity when the people teaching you weren’t human.” Shepard nodded, finding himself in agreement with Kaidan’s assessment. Then Kaidan surprised him. “What about you, sir? Clearly you don’t have any issues with aliens, otherwise you wouldn’t have invited so many to join us.”

“There’s three aliens on board this ship, Kaidan. That hardly qualifies as ‘many.’”

“It’s three more than are standard on Alliance vessels.” Point. 

Shepard shrugged. “I bounced around a lot as a kid. My parents are both Alliance officers. It wasn’t exactly easy for them to bring around a kid everywhere they went. There was the occasional groundside duty, but I spent a lot of time with family and friends of family out on the colonies. Met a lot of aliens. They never really felt like aliens, I suppose. Everyone, human, asari, turian, and salarian, all get annoyed when there’s a kid running around underfoot, making a mess of things.” 

That got a chuckle out of Kaidan. “Probably is universal.” He sighed and got up. “I should really get back to my duties, Commander.”

Shepard nodded. “Dismissed, Lieutenant.” Kaidan fired off a quick salute then exited the room. Shepard looked over at his desk and noticed that the monitor was blinking. No doubt it was Ambassador Udina, insisting on knowing what progress they’d made so far. Diplomats are never satisfied unless it’s done in half the time but still according to every reg on the book. CO’s work is never done...

***

Shepard had returned to his quarters almost as soon as the Mako was picked up. Actually, returned wasn’t so much the proper word as ‘retreated.’ After rescuing Doctor T’Soni – Liara – Joker had picked up a distress beacon in the nearby Sparta system. It had been a trap. Someone had left a distress beacon right smack in the center of a thresher maw nest. It had been the first time that Shepard had encountered a thresher since Akuze, and he’d frozen. Fortunately, his surprise had been shared by the others in the Mako and it didn’t matter who’d fired the missiles as long as they’d been fired. 

Deep inside, some part of him, a part of Shepard he had done his best to ignore and suppress, had always wondered if he’d ever left Akuze, if everything he’d experienced since he’d had the idea to bundle together every grenade he could find, activate them, and toss them down the thresher’s mouth, had just been a dream, the dreams of a dying man. For a moment, that part of him had surfaced and he’d been afraid he’d woken up. 

He collapsed onto the bed, wanting nothing more than to shake off the memories of Akuze that thresher had awoken. But, once more, the universe showcased its irritating sense of humor as the door chime went off. With a sigh, Shepard opened it, revealing Kaidan.

There was deep concern in his soft chocolate eyes. “Are you all right, Commander?” 

“I’m fine, Alenko,” Shepard snapped. Instantly, he knew that was a mistake – he was never that short with anyone on the ship. 

“If I may be so bold, sir, you don’t sound fine. And you don’t look it. Given how fast you beat a trail up here after ordering Joker to take us back to the Citadel... I... The crew was worried.” Shepard nodded, unable to deny that. Ultimately, though, it was the concern in Kaidan’s eyes that convinced him to let Kaidan in. He moved out of the way, indicating that he wanted this conversation to happen in private. Kaidan got the message and stepped inside. “Commander... What happened out there?”

Shepard sighed. “I flashed back to Akuze.” Understanding instantly dawned on Kaidan’s face – you couldn’t serve in the Alliance without knowing about Akuze and the Alliance’s first recorded encounter with a thresher maw.

“I’d forgotten you were there.”

“I wish I could.” Shepard sat down on his bed, feeling the irritating sensation of being too exhausted to sleep. “When that thresher burst out of the ground... I froze.”

Kaidan let out a brief chuckle. “We all did. I don’t know if turians shit bricks, but the look on Garrus’ face was probably what it looks like.” That got a laugh from Shepard, but the good mood didn’t last. 

“I nearly died that day on Akuze. Never been that close to death. I was certain that was it.” 

Kaidan moved from the desk to Shepard side. “But you made it through. You’re alive, Commander.”

“My unit isn’t. Admiral Kahoku’s men aren’t.”

“Commander, with all due respect, you can’t just sit in here, wallowing in your memories. We have an important mission. Saren and his geth will do a lot more damage than a thresher maw. Letting your fear control you will just dishonor the sacrifices those men made.”

Kaidan’s words were what Shepard needed to hear. He knew Kaidan was right, and a voice in his head, one that had been drowned out while it was just him in here with his thoughts, had been saying something similar the whole time. He’d just needed someone to say it out loud. Shepard looked to Kaidan and nodded. “You’re right, Kaidan. Thanks.”

Kaidan smirked slightly. “No problem, Commander. What are friends for? We all need a little kick in the ass every now and then, right?”

***

The _Normandy_ returned to the Citadel, Shepard wanting to let Admiral Kahoku know about his men immediately. He approved a twenty-four leave cycle, figuring that his crew needed some shore leave. A crew bordering on exhaustion wouldn’t be able to stand up against Saren and the geth. Besides, he wasn’t sure Admiral Kahoku was still on the station, so he might as well make the trip worth something to his crew. 

However, the Admiral was there. After reporting to him, that left them with several hours of leave. Shepard, Kaidan, and Ashley made their way across the Presidium and found a small restaurant. Part of taking full advantage of the day pass was that they’d swapped out their armor and weaponry for casual dress, which meant that for once, the Alliance soldiers were not storming across the place in full gear and they could play tourist. 

“...So Bhatia whacks him over the head, tells him to get Sticks to get it in gear, or else she’d shove her boot so far up his ass, people would be able to see it when he opened his mouth.”

Shepard smirked. “Don’t tell me. She had Gunny Ellison too.”

“Served with him. Nirali was an old soldier, refused to get promoted out of the field. Said she did the Alliance better service on the ground than she ever could behind a desk. Eden Prime was going to be her last tour.” Ashley’s smile faded. “I still can’t believe she’s gone. All of them.” She looked to Shepard. “How do you handle it, sir? I mean... losing people.”

Shepard took a moment, considering his response. Several faces flashed by in his mind’s eye, Jenkins being the most recent of them. “It’s difficult, Williams. It’s never easy. The day you stop wondering if you could have done something different, something that would have been able to let you walk away with everyone you went down there with... That’s the day you need to hang up your gun. But you have to accept that you made the best call based on the information you had available.”

Kaidan placed a hand on Ashley’s shoulder. “They all know and understand the risks when they sign on, Chief. They all gave their lives to protect others.”

“And it’s our job right now to make sure it wasn’t in vain. I know, LT. But, thanks for the reminder,” she said. “I’m sorry to get so depressing. This is leave, we shouldn’t be discussing work.”

Kaidan nodded. “Tell you what. I’ll go and get us some drinks. A little off-duty alcohol consumption, should put us back in the proper leave mood.” He stood and headed to the hanar at the dispensary kiosk.

Ashley waited until Kaidan was out of earshot, then turned to Shepard. “Commander, if I’m being a third wheel, I can go. The Rec Officer said he needed a few supplies.”

“Gunny, what gives you the impression that you’re being a third wheel?”

“Well, you and the LT are trying to have a date, right?”

Shepard was glad he hadn’t been drinking or eating something at the time, because he surely would have choked on it. “Date?!” He only marginally managed to keep his voice at conversation level. 

At his reaction, Ashley’s face went white. “Oh. You two... I... Scuttlebutt said that you two... I should know better. Just... forget I said anything.” Shepard nodded, thinking that was the best option for all involved. 

That was also the point that Kaidan returned with their drinks. Noting the change in the atmosphere around his two shipmates, he looked at them, confused. “Did I miss something?”

“Nothing, LT,” Ashley said. Out of the corner of his eye, Shepard saw her looking over the two of them, making Shepard realize that even if he’d dodged any questioning on the matter right now, Ashley wasn’t going to make things go away. She’d be asking questions later, in a more private setting.

Now Shepard just had to figure out what his answers would be.

***

Leave was over. Shepard had been forced to cancel it when the distress signal from Feros came in. The _Normandy’s_ stealth and speed could get them there quickly and undetected, unlike any other Alliance ship. Admiral Hackett had agreed that the Normandy on her own could offer better defense against the geth, at least for the time being, though he did have every Alliance vessel in the vicinity on high alert and ready to render assistance if needed.

Now there was nothing to do but wait. Joker was taking them to Feros the fastest way he could, but it would still take time. 

Shepard tried sleeping, but it didn’t work. His thoughts kept going to Ash’s comments back on the Citadel. The crew seemed to have this idea that something was going on between him and Kaidan? Granted, Kaidan had come to his quarters a couple of times... Which, come to think of it, was unusual, as it seemed Shepard was usually the one going to people and speaking with them. But Kaidan was a senior officer aboard the Normandy, it wasn’t exactly as if he was coming in for an illicit rendezvous, there were genuine reasons as to why Kaidan would be speaking with him on multiple occasions and coming to him before he came to Kaidan.

Needing something substantial in this matter, Shepard headed down to the hanger deck, where Ash was busy cleaning weapons. Seeing him approach, she set her weapon down and snapped to attention, firing off a crisp salute. “Sir!” 

He waved the salute off. “At ease, Chief. This isn’t business.” 

Ashley relaxed slightly, but was still visibly uncomfortable. “Then I assume this is about what I said back on the Citadel. Honestly, Skipper, I’m sorry about it. I... Your personal life is none of my business.”

“I’m a little more interested in why you and the crew seem to think that there is something going on between Lieutenant Alenko and myself.”

Ashley flashed him a shit-eating grin. “It’s just shipboard gossip, sir. Nothing to really concern yourself with. Just... you know, watercooler talk.”

Shepard crossed his arms, getting tired of the runaround. “Williams, do I need to order you to talk?”

“No, sir. Sorry, Commander. It’s just... I don’t know of many commanding officers who approve of the crew gossiping about their love lives.” Before Shepard could take that comment apart, Ashley continued. “The crew had just been talking that you and the LT seemed very close. And if I may speak freely, sir...?” She paused, waiting for Shepard to voice his opinion. He nodded. “I tend to know UST when I see it and... Well, there’s definitely something between the two of you.”

Shepard scowled slightly, but didn’t say anything for a moment. “Thank you for your honesty, Chief. Even if it came practically at gunpoint.” He said the words with a smile, letting Williams know he meant it as a joke, but the words were still coming out tersely. “That’s all for now.” 

“Sir.” She picked up the gun she’d been handling and resumed cleaning it. Shepard walked back to the lift, considering.

He and Kaidan had both joined the Normandy at about the same time, a few months prior to launch. Since they’d both been the ‘new guys’ at the same time, that had helped them forge a friendship. If Shepard had to name someone on the ship as his best friend, it would be Kaidan. But a romantic relationship? 

It wasn’t that he had anything against same-sex relationships – for the most part, humanity had put its homophobia behind it decades before the Charon Relay had been discovered, and it didn’t matter who you shared your bed with, particularly once humanity had encountered alien species with different definitions of sexuality of their own. But Shepard hadn’t ever thought of Kaidan like that before. Kaidan was his friend, and, at least until now, that was all.

Unbidden, though, the image of Kaidan shirtless popped up in Shepard’s mind, and it was surprisingly arousing... He shook his head, trying to shake it away. He didn’t completely succeed. He took the lift back up to the main level of the ship. Once up there, he started towards his quarters, but caught sight of Kaidan, working at his station. He walked towards the back. 

Kaidan looked up from what he was doing and saw Shepard approaching his quarters. He nodded an acknowledgement. Then he saw the look on Shepard’s face. “Commander? Something wrong?”

Shepard opened his mouth to ask if Kaidan knew what was going around the ship’s gossip circuit, but Joker chose that moment to burst in over the intercom. “Commander, we’re approaching Feros.” 

Shepard sighed and hit the nearest intercom. “On my way up, Joker.”

Kaidan chuckled. “Duty calls, huh Commander?” Shepard made a face.

“Just for that, Alenko, you’re on duty with me. Come on.” He motioned for Kaidan to follow him up to the bridge. 

***

Whether you called them thorian creepers or just plain zombies (though husks probably held more of a claim to that title than the creepers, but whatever), Shepard felt like he had just fought his way through an old horror vid. He made the standard reports and headed for his shower. He could swear that, despite most of the creeper gunk having gotten on his armor and the decon sweep he’d gone through before being able to return aboard the Normandy, he still wasn’t clean. Then again, right now, he pretty much felt that he never would be again.

Once more, the water had only been flowing for about five minutes when his door signal rang.

_You’ve got to be kidding me..._

He threw on a towel and opened the door. Kaidan was there. Shepard leaned against the door frame. “Kaidan. We’ve got to stop meeting like this. People are talking.”

Maybe Kaidan was getting used to encountering his CO practically in the buff because he just smirked slightly. “Let them talk.” And he said it in a tone that Shepard was tempted to call flirtatious. Damn it, Kaidan... Shepard thought as new images began to parade around in his head. He felt a familiar stirring and clamped down, replacing images of him and Kaidan with the most unsexy thing he could think of. It turned out to be picturing elcor sex. Oh, that one was going to haunt him in nightmares for years to come... But at least he wasn’t thinking of doing naked gymnastics with Kaidan anymore.

Desperate to get things back on something resembling its proper track, he returned to his bathroom and began dressing. “Something I can do for you, Alenko?”

“Actually, I was wondering if there was something I could do for you.”

Shepard was glad that he had already gotten his pants on by that point, because he surely would have tripped over them at that. “For me?” He was relieved that the words came out solidly.

“Yes, sir. I... You looked like you had something to say before we arrived at Feros. I was wondering if you wanted to talk.”

Shepard emerged from the bathroom and looked at Kaidan. There was no indication that he felt particularly uncomfortable. Either he hadn’t heard the gossip or he just didn’t care about it. Or it was possible that he actually was interested in Shepard that way.

Quickly he decided that he wasn’t ready to contemplate that possibility.

Of course, that meant that he had to figure out just what to say to him. Well, if he did have Kaidan’s interest, might as well really let him know what he was getting in to.

“There was something. I remembered you talking about Rahna. I was just wondering... how close were you to her?”

Kaidan smirked. “A little personal, Commander.”

“I think we’ve been through enough that I can get that way.”

Kaidan nodded, granting that. “Rahna... I liked her. I’d been working up the nerve to ask her out when the... incident with Vyrnnus happened. That pretty much killed any chance of her returning my feelings. Nothing happened there. If that’s what you’re asking.”

“You ever try to make a relationship work since joining the Alliance?”

Kaidan shook his head. “The lives we live? No. It wouldn’t be fair to whoever it is we leave at port, and with all the regs about fraternization, I wouldn’t want to have to choose between my career and the person I’m with. And as for LDRs... To be completely honest, I wouldn’t want to be that far away from whoever I’m with.”

Shepard chuckled at that. “I’ve got a secret for you, Lieutenant. As long as it doesn’t interfere with your mission, every higher up turns a blind eye to fraternization, even if it’s the worst kept secret.”

“You know this first hand, sir?”

There was a moment of uncomfortable silence and Kaidan began to realize he’d hit a sensitive topic. “Yes, actually. Her name was Lindsey. It wasn’t very serious... but it could easily have gotten there. She was smart and funny, everyone in the unit loved her. She was the glue that held our unit together. We’d joined around the same time, so, as the newbies, we stuck together.”

Kaidan could already tell that this story didn’t have a happy ending but he still had to ask. “What happened to her?”

“Akuze.” 

Kaidan should have guessed. 

Shepard took a deep breath. “I watched her die, along with everyone else in my unit. We were a family, and... Only I walked away from it.”

Kaidan opened his mouth, probably to say the standard ‘I didn’t know’ statement that usually followed such admissions, but swiftly shut it, likely realizing how trite it sounded. 

“It’s not that I haven’t moved on. Six years is more than enough time to grieve. But nothing’s ever felt quite as right ever since.”

“I understand, sir. It’s not easy to let go of those feelings.” He paused a moment, then motioned to the door. “I... I should probably get back to my duties.”

Shepard nodded. “Dismissed, Lieutenant.” He still felt like he should add something before Kaidan walked out the door. “Kaidan.” Kadian turned back to him. “Thanks. For being concerned. You’re a... a good friend.” They shared a smile, and a voice in Shepard’s mind screamed ‘kiss him, you idiot!’ But he didn’t listen and Kaidan walked out the door. Shepard sighed and leaned against the wall. 

The first human Spectre, the man who liberated Zhu’s Hope from the thorian, the only person who could stop Saren from whatever his nefarious scheme was, and he was too afraid to admit to Kaidan that he was interested in him as more than just a friend. 

***

The next afternoon, while the Normandy was en route to the Citadel so Shepard could make another report to the Council (there were times he just wanted to disconnect them, particularly that arrogant jackass turian, or maybe just give him the turian equivalent of a black eye...), he was running some tests on the Mako. Garrus was working nearby while Wrex engaged in some target practice. 

Shepard slid under the Mako. He’d always preferred hands on mechanics than sitting back and letting the VIs handle matters. He was so busy that it took Garrus shouting to get his attention.

“Shepard!”

In retrospect, he should have known smacking his head against the undercarriage was inevitable in the first place.

Garrus was, naturally apologetic as he helped Shepard to his feet. “My apologies, Commander. I didn’t realize-”

“It’s alright, Garrus. My fault. Now, what was so important that you had to give me a concussion?” Shepard’s smirk took the sting out of his words.

“I was... just wondering about the rumors about you and Lieutenant Alenko. Are they true?”

Shepard shot a sidelong glance to Williams on the other side of the hold, once more cleaning the weaponry, and right now, looking far too innocent for her own good. He looked back to Garrus. “I don’t know, Garrus. What rumors are you referring to?”

“The ones that say that you are inviting him to your quarters to... how do I put this delicately... calibrate your weaponry?” And now Shepard would never be able to calibrate his weapons with a straight face ever again.

Shepard crossed his arms. “Kaidan is the Normandy’s second officer. He brings things to my attention if he feels I need to know about them. Other than that, our relationship is purely professional. While we’re on the subject, though, Garrus, do you have anything about your personal life you’d like to share?”

Garrus backed up, realizing his faux pas. “I’m sorry, Commander. I was just curious. I hadn’t encountered a human interested in a same-sex pairing before. I... admit to being curious as to how it... works, exactly. I was hoping that... if you were... engaging in one, you could... explain things to me.” Shepard couldn’t believe this conversation was happening.

“I’m sure if you looked it up on the extranet, you’d find something.” Shepard sighed. “Look, Garrus, sorry if I’m being short with you. Just that I’m hearing a lot of scuttlebutt about my personal life in the middle of our mission to find and stop Saren. There are other, more important things on the table that we need to worry about right now. You understand, right?”

“Of course, Commander. It wasn’t my place to ask.” With that, Garrus returned to his console and calibrations. ...Damn, there was that word again.

Shepard sighed and decided to head up to the bridge, see if Captain Anderson had discovered any new leads they could check out before making the jump back to the Citadel. He stopped when he heard Wrex say his name.

“Shepard. None of my business, but if you do start screwing the Lieutenant, krogan consider it a sign of good luck if you break a few ribs in the process.”

Shepard was going to scream.

***

“This is an Alliance cruiser, not a singles bar, but everyone seems to be more interested in pairing me up with Lieutenant Alenko than they do with stopping Saren,” Shepard moaned. He was running out of people on the ship to talk to that weren’t going to fuel the gossip or push him on the matter. Not that she was a last resort, but he hoped that Tali would be a bastion of sanity in the insane asylum that the _Normandy_ was becoming, so he’d offered to share a meal with her, though only in the sense of company, as humans and quarians had extremely different dietary needs.

Tali giggled as she fiddled with the nutrient supplement for her suit. “Well, Shepard, it makes sense.”

Shepard moaned and considered banging his head against the table. “Tali, not you too.” He was just lucky that Kaidan was up on the bridge taking a swing shift while Joker got some sleep.

Tali held up her hands in apology. “I’m sorry, Commander, but the general consensus seems to be that you and Lieutenant Alenko would be a very cute couple. Between fighting Saren and the geth, we all want something to cheer us up and make us feel good. There should be something good in the middle of all of this.” From that perspective, Shepard understood. That didn’t mean that he appreciated being the subject of shipboard gossip, but at least it made sense.

“While I appreciate the thought, I am not looking for a relationship right now. I have more important things to worry about.”

“I understand, Shepard. However, I tend to see this almost like the quarian Pilgrimage. I left to find information about the geth. In the process, though, I found the knife I keep in my boot. I wasn’t looking for it, and I normally don’t use it, but it’s one of my most prized possessions because I know how helpful it can be in a fight.”

Shepard stared at her for a moment. “I’m sorry, did you just compare Kaidan to a knife?”

It was impossible to tell for sure with her face mask, but Shepard was positive she was blushing. “I’m sorry. That came out wrong. What I mean is, sometimes when we’re trying to focus on one thing, we find something else entirely. Something that can be of greater value than what we were focused on before.”

“And what makes this crew so determined that I should find Kaidan?”

Tali shrugged. “Why not? You seem to be... well suited for each other. I mean, it can’t be easy for you to find someone you care about, given that you’re always travelling. You don’t even have the benefit of being a part of a community like the Migrant Fleet. The only people you know will be there every day are your crew. If you become close to someone, why not let it happen?” she asked. 

Shepard didn’t have an answer for her, so he just resumed his meal. Despite a few attempts on Tali’s part to find a different conversation, his mind kept going over her words. Eventually, he apologized for being a lousy companion and returned to his quarters to consider what she’d said.

***

The _Normandy_ was once again docked at the Citadel. Liara had practically dragged Shepard out of his quarters, wanting to experience the station with a friend. She hadn’t felt ready to explore it after the _Normandy_ had arrived from Therum. Now, though, she wanted to shop. Reluctantly, Shepard allowed himself to be pulled along to store after store. Liara was, fortunately, more interested in window shopping than buying mountains of clothes and knickknacks. Shepard’s credit account wouldn’t be able to take it if she’d tried that.

The most she had purchased was a small snow globe-like keepsake of the Citadel with tiny representations of the Council in it. To Shepard the thing looked tacky, something that any tourist would buy for the sake of having something that they could say was ‘from the Citadel.’ To Liara, that seemed to be the point.

“From a cultural standpoint, the things we consider unimportant are actually the most revealing about us as a species,” she said as they entered the medical lab Liara had made into her home.

Shepard just raised an eyebrow. “Maybe it’s important for sociologists, but I’m a soldier. To me, it’s just a tacky paperweight.” 

Liara smiled at the joke. But she shortly sobered. “I’m curious, Commander. So far, you’ve spoken to just about everyone on this ship about the possibility of starting a relationship with Lieutenant Alenko except for me. Is this an intentional slight or have you just not gotten around to me?” Liara seemed to be picking up on the subtleties of humor.

Shepard shook his head. “Frankly, I’ve been attempting to ignore the fact that everyone on this ship seems to want to play matchmaker. I’m half-afraid when I walk out of here, I’ll see Joker in a Cupid outfit, shooting heart shaped arrows at the two of us.” And ye Gods, that mental image was going with the one of elcor sex.

Liara burst into giggles, having an awareness of human symbols and imagery. Shepard smirked. “I’m glad someone finds that image amusing.”

“I’m sorry, Commander,” Liara said as she got her giggle fit under control. “I realize that I’m speaking from a mono-gendered perspective, but I don’t understand humanity’s discomfort with the idea of same-sex relations. I presume it has something to do with older ideas among your species about ensuring the survival of the species, but humanity is extremely populous now. I don’t understand why it lingers.”

Shepard gave a hollow laugh. “Aren’t you the one who examines cultures? Out of anyone, shouldn’t you be able to understand how resistant cultures are to change?”

Liara nodded, giving him that point. “True, but given how you have assembled this crew, despite the biases of humanity towards non-humans, I would think that you’re more forward-thinking than others of your race.”

Ouch. That one got him. Maybe it took an alien perspective to make you see what was staring you in the face. Or maybe Liara was just smart like that. Shepard was impressed at how far she had come, as when she’d come on board, she’d had something of a crush on Shepard. Now she was working to get him together with Kaidan.

And, all things considered, that pretty much made the entire crew conspiring to get it to happen. Maybe it was time to take the hint. 

“So I take it you’re suggesting that I just go up to Kaidan and ask him if he’d like to sleep with me?”

“Perhaps not in so many words. The question you should be asking is are you interested in Lieutenant Alenko in that fashion?” she asked.

Shepard had been avoiding that particular question for a while now – it made it easier to pretend that he wasn’t feeling what he was. He WAS interested in Kaidan. They’d come aboard the Normandy around the same time. As a result, they’d become closer with one another than they had with anyone else on board. If Shepard were to name a best friend on the ship, it would be Kaidan. And at some point, his feelings had deepened. Was it love? At this point, probably not. But it was well on its way.

Liara looked very satisfied with herself. “I’m assuming the answer is yes.”

Shepard nodded. “You’re right. I do... care deeply for Kaidan.”

“Then why are you here telling me this? Lieutenant Alenko is outside, shouldn’t you be telling him this?” she asked gently. He smirked at her oh-so-subtle hint. 

“I get the message.” He turned and left the medical office. He approached Kaidan’s station.

Kaidan looked up at Shepard’s approach. “Something on your mind, Commander?” he asked. Shepard opened his mouth to respond-

“ _Commander, Ambassador Udina’s on the horn for you. Does he ever sound like he doesn’t have a stick up his ass?_ ”

Shepard scowled. Kaidan smirked. “CO’s work is never done, huh sir?”

“Haven’t learned to keep your mouth shut, eh, Alenko? Come on. CO’s orders - you’re on duty with me. Let’s go. Double time, mister.” Kaidan gave him a mock stern glare and headed for the cockpit, Shepard following.

And no, he was NOT checking out Kaidan’s ass on the way. Not at all.

***

The message from Udina was simple – Matriarch Benezia had been spotted on Noveria. The _Normandy_ had set out immediately, and everyone on the ship spent the time doing their best to cheer Liara up, despite her insistence that she was perfectly fine. Shepard knew the routine. His father had died resisting a batarian raid on an Alliance space station, and he’d been on the ship that went to help patch the station together. He’d been hoping the whole way that his father had survived. And then Lindsey had discovered his father’s body.

Shepard knew there was a good chance that they’d have no other choice but to kill Matriarch Benezia. For all they knew, Saren was actually working for her instead of the other way around. In fact, it’s possible that one unfortunately timed bullet from Liara could kill her mother. The fact of the matter was, right now, ‘fine’ was anything but the state of mind she was in, regardless of what she said.

With everyone focused on this, Shepard didn’t get a chance to speak with Kaidan again beyond ship’s business. They landed at Noveria, and Shepard redefined his definition of hell. Hell was not fire and brimstone. It was bureaucracy and icy tundra smashed together. Shooting at geth and corrupt cops was actually a relief. Even the rachni were preferable to the outside. ...Okay, maybe that was pushing it, but still, Shepard did not like Noveria.

And, as he’d predicted, it had come to a shootout with Benezia, though they’d learned that she’d become nothing but a pawn by Saren. Indoctrination. Whatever the hell that was, it did horrible things to a person. Shepard had been terrified when Benezia had said that she would never be herself again, hearing the pain in her voice, hearing her beg Shepard and the others to kill her, just so she could be free. He supposed that sympathy for Benezia and the rachni queen’s story of her people having been indoctrinated was what had led him to let the queen go, and that could easily bite him in the ass, but no one in their right mind felt good about genocide. 

After returning to the Normandy, Liara had asked to be alone for a while, which left Shepard’s schedule wide open. It was time for a talk with Kaidan. Granted, he’d really prefer to take a long hot shower to wash away the freeze and the sleaze of Noveria, but given his last few attempts at taking one had been cruelly interrupted, he decided not to give the universe another opportunity to intrude.

“Kaidan? Can I talk to you for a few minutes? In private?” he asked after leaving the medbay where Liara had secreted herself off in back. Kaidan nodded his assent and followed Shepard to his quarters.

Kaidan smirked once the door was closed. “You know, sir, I have been paying attention to ship’s scuttlebutt. You’re not exactly doing much to keep it from spreading by inviting me in here.”

Shepard shifted uncomfortably. “Yes, well... They may not be too far off.” Off Kaidan’s look, Shepard realized he was going to be forced to spell it out. Was Kaidan just playing with him or just very obtuse? “At least... Not on my part.”

“Sir?” Kaidan asked with just a hint of a smile. That answered that. The bastard’s enjoying this! Shepard thought. 

He glared at him. “Kaidan. Drop the act, would you?”

Kaidan nodded, though the smirk didn’t quite leave his face. “Aye, aye, Commander.” Then the attitude dropped. “Truth to tell, Commander, I do find you attractive. And I could easily find myself falling for you. I am normally attracted to women, but... There is something about you.”

Shepard nodded, considering that. “Have you ever been attracted to a man before?”

Kaidan shrugged. “A couple. Never to the extent that we did much more than simple... fooling around, but... There were a couple of guys.” 

Shepard considered that for a moment. “I’ve... never felt like this for another man before. Truth to tell... I’m a little nervous.” He couldn’t help but chuckle at the absurdity of that statement – given Shepard’s varied list of achievements, the idea of him being nervous was laughable. 

Kaidan joined in the chuckling, but it didn’t last long. “In all honesty, Commander, I have to admit that... makes me a little uncomfortable.” Shepard understood where Kaidan was coming from with that – he wasn’t sure how comfortable he would be if someone came up to him and said ‘I’ve never been attracted to a man before, but...’ Or if a turian or salarian or anyone of another species told him they were ‘willing to make an exception’ for him. 

“I’m not asking for more than you’re willing to give, Kaidan. If all you want is friendship, I’ll manage my feelings. I just... I thought you should know how I feel.”

Kaidan gave him an encouraging smile. “I appreciate that, Shepard. I do. I don’t know... where I’m at on the matter of... us. Give me some time to think about this, all right?”

Shepard nodded. “Take all the time you need.” This was a step more than he’d thought he’d get out of Kaidan, he was more than willing to take it. He smiled at Kaidan and Kaidan returned it. Right then, Shepard wanted nothing more than to kiss him, but Kaidan backed away towards the door before he could act on that desire. Shepard cleared his throat, getting the message. “Uh... Is there anything else?” he asked gently, not wanting to give the official dismissal. 

“I... suppose not, Commander,” Kaidan said. Shepard nodded and he walked out. Shepard sighed, considering what he should do next.

***

Finally, they had word. After seemingly traveling from one end of the galaxy to the other, they had word of where Saren was. The salarian STG team reported that he was on Virmire. Shepard had done a quick Codex look at it and was surprised no one had tried to make a resort world out of it. Sure, it had sixty-four hour days, but if that was the only thing preventing it from colonization, Shepard was surprised no one had attempted to sway people towards giving it a chance.

Frankly, the more idyllic the planet seemed, the more Shepard began to get a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach. He wasn’t a religious man, but he couldn’t help seeing parallels between this and Lucifer’s war for heaven. Maybe he’d spoken too many times to Ashley and she was beginning to rub off on him. Fallen Spectre, warring against someone who should be his brother in arms, and, between Eden Prime and the landscape of Virmire, he was beginning to wonder if he and Saren were engaging in a fight that had played out thousands of times before.

Feeling the need to talk to someone, he made his way to Kaidan. Kaidan looked up at his approach and gave him a friendly smile. “Sounds like we’re about to get our hands on Saren, wrap this all up.”

“Sounds that way,” Shepard nodded. But he couldn’t bring himself to really believe that. 

And Kaidan picked up on that. “Something wrong, sir? You don’t sound all that enthused?”

“Just... a feeling. That something bad’s on the horizon. I don’t know, something feels... wrong.” Off Kaidan’s look, he continued. “I can’t explain it. I just... feel like something is going to happen.”

Kaidan considered for a moment. “Commander, we can’t prevent every bad thing from happening. You know that. There have been some things that you couldn’t prevent. The crew of the Majesty, the scientists in the hot labs on Noveria, Kate Bowman’s brother... We can’t stop everything unpleasant from happening. We just have to do what we can.”

Shepard nodded, knowing that – he’d lost too many people to the threshers, to the geth, to batarians, to any number of merc gangs to believe that he could avoid losing anyone. But still, that feeling in the pit of his stomach remained. He gently placed a hand on Kaidan’s arm. “Kaidan... I don’t want to regret not doing something about... how I feel.”

Kaidan looked Shepard in the eye. “I know. I feel the same. But... Commander, we can’t. I don’t want to... rush in to anything. Not when... emotions are high like this.”

“Kaidan, I haven’t kept secret how I feel for you. I felt like this before the STG team contacted the Council.”

Kaidan nodded. “I know. But... Shepard, we could die when we reach Virmire. I... I don’t want put you through that again...” 

Lindsey, Shepard realized. Kaidan didn’t want him to watch someone else he loved die. “Kaidan. I’m a grown man. I’m an Alliance marine. I know the risks of falling for someone in the same line as me. I KNOW them. That doesn’t mean they’re not worth taking. Hell, some days, the risk is the only reason to take them.” He moved his hand up to Kaidan’s face, gently rubbing his thumb against Kaidan’s cheekbone. “Kaidan, for all we know, the engine could blow before we even reach Virmire. We can’t live our lives in fear of what may happen. We’ve got to make our choices and live our lives.”

Kaidan took that in. For a moment, he lost himself in Shepard’s touch. “I... understand what you’re saying. But... I don’t think I’m ready for that step yet. I... I still need some time to... come to terms with this.”

“With what, exactly?”

Kaidan looked him square in the eye. “Falling in love with you.” And there were the words. Shepard was still caressing Kaidan’s cheek and realized that the words certainly applied. 

Reluctantly, Shepard pulled back his hand. “If that’s what you want, Kaidan.”

Kaidan’s nod was reluctant. “It is.” Shepard got the feeling that if he pushed, Kaidan would give in. But he didn’t want Kaidan to sleep with him because he felt pressured into it. He wanted it to be because Kaidan wanted it. 

He nodded. “All right.” Reluctantly, Shepard pulled away from Kaidan. He wanted... a million things. But he was letting Kaidan set the pace. “I’d... better go talk to Pressly about our arrival time to Virmire.” Kaidan nodded.

And both men privately wished that they could have just taken that step.

***

Shepard deposited Kaidan in the medbay with a quick bark to Doctor Chakwas to take care of him, then raced to the cockpit. “Joker! Swing us by the AA Towers! We might still have a chance to rescue Ashley!” Just because they’d lost contact with her, it didn’t mean that she was dead. Maybe she was just unconscious. Maybe the geth had knocked out her communication signal. Maybe...

Joker solemnly looked up from his panels. “Commander... The geth have overrun the towers. Their dropships are buzzing around... There’s no way we can get close. And... I’m not picking up any life signs. I’m... I’m sorry.” The regret and defeat in his voice were what convinced Shepard that Ashley was gone. They couldn’t even go and pick up her body – they had to get away before the nuke went.

“Then just... Just get us away from here, Joker.” Shepard said it softly, defeated – he’d failed to save his friend. She may not have had regrets about his decision, but he did. He had lost a friend to this fight now. Saren had just made this personal.

Saren had just made the biggest mistake of his life.

Shepard couldn’t stand there and watch the nuke go off. He walked back to the briefing room, taking his customary place in quiet contemplation. He didn’t know long he stood there, beating himself up over the fact that he’d left a friend to die, when the door opened and Kaidan entered.

“Commander?” he asked softly, moving towards Shepard.

That got him to look up. “Kaidan,” he said softly. 

“I... heard that we couldn’t rescue Ashley. I’m sorry.”

“So am I. But Saren’s going to be sorrier.” That much, Shepard swore.

Kaidan neared Shepard. “Shepard, you can’t... beat yourself for this. Ash’s death... It’s on Saren.”

“I know.”

“Do you? Shepard, you’re in here, beating yourself up over how you couldn’t save Ash. Tell me I’m wrong.” Shepard couldn’t. “See? You’re blaming yourself when it’s Saren who is responsible. You’re not. Stop doing this to yourself. I know you wish you could have done something different, but you made a command decision. Ash knew the risks. She gave her life to stop Saren and this... Sovereign, whatever it is. By standing here, wallowing in self-pity, you know you’re dishonoring her sacrifice, right?”

Shepard did know. Once more, Kaidan had simply voiced the things that Shepard had really needed to hear. He sighed, letting the sense of defeat he’d been carrying out with that breath. He looked to Kaidan with gratitude in his eyes. “Thanks, Kaidan. I needed to hear that.”

Kaidan smiled. “That’s what I’m here for.” After a moment, though, his smile faded. “This will probably sound hypocritical after saying that, but for my peace of mind... Did you save me because of how you feel about me?”

Shepard considered that for a minute. “I don’t know. Tactically, the AA Towers were just the distraction, and we needed to focus on making sure that the nuke wasn’t taken out of commission by the geth. They could have found some way to disarm it or something. But I don’t know if that’s my excuse for it or if I did come back for you because of how I feel. I... I just don’t know.”

Kaidan nodded in acceptance. “I appreciate the honesty, Shepard. I know it couldn’t have been easy for you.”

“It wasn’t... I don’t think I could have left you behind, Kaidan. Ever.” Shepard looked Kaidan straight in the eye. After a moment of sustained contact, Shepard felt himself begin to lean in-

Which must have been the cue for the rest of the squad to enter the room for the traditional post-mission briefing. _It’s a god damn conspiracy..._ Shepard and Kaidan pulled away and took their regular places.

***

Shepard hated politicians. 

He’d been right about Saren being behind the attack on Eden Prime, despite the Council’s protestations to the contrary. He’d been inducted into the Spectres and then had his decisions questions as if they had no faith in him. He had eyewitness accounts of the dangers of indoctrination and the Reapers, including the world of Captain Kirrahe and his STG team. And yet the Council not only dismissed his claims, that bastard Udina had sold him down the river and gotten the Normandy locked down in the process. If Shepard ever got his hands on Udina...

He sat in front of his locker in quiet contemplation. He didn’t pay any attention to the passing time, he just knew it was a while after he’d sat down that he heard someone approach. He didn’t need to look up to recognize the approaching boot steps as Kaidan’s. “Come to check up on me?” Shepard asked.

“I was a little concerned. I mean, you have kind of taken over this deck, and the crew wouldn’t mind getting to the sleep pods,” Kaidan said.

Shepard scoffed. “Tell them to book a hotel room. And if they complain, tell them it’s not like they’re going to be able to afford a night with Sha’ira on their salary as long while we’re locked down here anyway.”

Kaidan smirked and gave a mock salute. “Yes sir.” He moved closer to Shepard. “Level with me, Shepard. Why are you sitting down here, moping? You’re a man of action.”

Shepard shook his head. “What action can I take? Normandy is grounded, and it’s not exactly as if I’m inconspicuous.” Being the first human Spectre meant that the public eye was staring him right in the face. And much as he’d love to poke it, that wasn’t exactly an option. 

“You’re not someone who takes things lying down, Shepard. I mean... Vision or not, I don’t think a lot of people would have gone after Saren like you have. You’re... special. You’ve done things no one else has or would. Hell, after Virmire, I half imagined you’d just sequester yourself in your quarters, instead of stalking up to the Council and telling them to get their act together and help us stop Saren. Shepard... You’re incredible.”

Shepard rolled his eyes, though it was a gesture tempered with affection. “Kaidan, I don’t need someone to sing my praises. I’d rather someone just... tell me things will be all right. I don’t need a pep talk. Sometimes I just need some comfort.”

“Comfort comes in the form of lying to you?”

“It’s a comforting lie. Now come on. You can say it.” Shepard was enjoying this, forcing Kaidan to be the voice of comfort. After doing that job with several of his teammates since Eden Prime, it was nice having someone else focus on comforting him for a change.

Kaidan sighed. “Okay, okay. Everything will be all right, Shepard.”

“Now, don’t we feel better?” Shepard asked with a smirk. 

Kaidan affectionately rolled his eyes. Then he fixed Shepard with a steady look. “You know, there is an advantage to this lockdown. We finally have time to... talk about what we are... what we could be. It’s not as if we’ve got a lot of other things to do.”

Shepard smiled. “True enough.” He reached up for Kaidan to help him up. One of them used a little too much strength and Shepard fell forward. Their eyes locked and Shepard started to lean forward...

“ _Commander, incoming message from Captain Anderson. Sounds important._ ”

Joker just put himself on Shepard’s shit list, right below Udina.

Shepard thumbed the commline open. “I’ll be up in a minute, Joker,” he said, doing his best to keep his irritation and anger in check.

Kaidan seemed concerned. “Do you think he was listening?”

Shepard smirked. “Not likely. Given the way the crew’s been trying to get us together, if he intentionally interrupted us then, the crew would probably turn him into a new hood ornament.” He wanted to stay a moment, at the least take that step, but Captain Anderson calling meant that something was big and needed to be dealt with now.

But they would have a chance to get this figured out, and soon. Shepard promised himself that.

***

The _Normandy_ flew to the Mu Relay as fast as the mass effect core could push them. Shepard almost wanted Adams to start complaining about the way that they were pushing the engines, but supposed that having an engineer willing to go along with the difficult demands their CO gave them wasn’t all bad. 

It was the waiting that was the worst part. Shepard could take a lot of things, but the knowledge that they were about to face Saren and put an end to this mess was weighing on him – he wanted nothing more than to put an end to things.

The door chime buzzed and Shepard let Kaidan in. He hadn’t even needed to check to see who it was. Kaidan smirked. “Expecting me, Commander?”

“I was hoping you’d stop by.” He motioned for Kaidan to join him and close the door... and put the privacy seal on. 

“So, here we are. On the edge of the galaxy, risking it all to stop Saren. Thirty of us versus him, the geth, and the Reapers.”

“Here’s to Team Humanity,” Shepard said, miming a toast. All the resources of the Citadel races, and it came to a group of mutinous Alliance officers and the ragtag band of misfits their Commander had assembled. Hopefully, history would remember them in better terms. 

Hell, hopefully history would remember them period. 

Shepard looked to Kaidan. “Kaidan, anything specific that brings you down here?” He leaned back on his bed, enjoying watching Kaidan blatantly checking him out. 

Kaidan cleared his throat. “Well... I wanted to tell you that... I’ve enjoyed serving under you, Commander.”

Shepard gave him a pointed look. “Kaidan, I don’t think I’ve had the pleasure of you serving under me. I think it’s time we did something about that.”

“Walked into that one, didn’t I?” Kaidan chuckled. 

Shepard smirked. “Also... I think at this point, you should call me John. I mean, you already said you were falling in love with me, I don’t think we should be on a rank-only basis at this point.” Shepard patted the bed, indicating that Kaidan should sit down. 

Kaidan did so, but looked a little nervous still. “Shepard... John... I... realize that this is a little late in the game to be asking about this, but... What are you looking for here? Just... a good time, or... something more?”

Shepard looked Kaidan square in the eye. “Kaidan, I meant what I said after we left Virmire, about not being able to leave you behind. What did that say to you?”

“I... wasn’t sure. I suppose I’m just a little concerned that this might be just a... fling for you. That... the way you feel isn’t just because of how often we risk our lives together, and-” Shepard decided to just put a stop to any further thoughts of self-doubt and kissed Kaidan, pulling him close. Kaidan let out a soft moan and his arms came around Shepard. 

Shepard didn’t know how long they were together like that. All he knew was that now he had Kaidan, and he had no intention of letting him go. They’d danced around this for too long, and he needed Kaidan. He realized that now – being here with Kaidan... He felt more alive than he ever had before. The need for oxygen forced him to pull back, but he knew that Kaidan had realized that Shepard wasn’t planning on leaving him.

“Does that answer your question?” he asked, his voice husky with desire. Kaidan nodded. Shepard smiled at his lover and an idea formed. He pulled Kaidan up.

“John...?” Shepard shushed him and pulled him to the bathroom. 

“How long has it been since you had a real shower, Kaidan? Not the five minute ‘splash some water on you and on to the next guy’ resource-savers we get on ships, but a genuine shower?”

Kaidan, picking up on what Shepard was getting at, gave a seductive smirk. “Far too long.” He reached for the hem of his shirt but Shepard beat him to it.

“Let me help you with that...” Shepard pulled off the top of Kaidan’s off-duty uniform and gently ran his hands across the broad shoulders of his soon-to-be lover. This was definitely NOT the body of a woman like Lindsey. Strong, solid muscle took the place of the soft breasts that he’d felt on her, a soft, light brushing of hair running down the center of Kaidan’s chest being a very blatant reminder that this was not her... and yet Shepard found himself growing far more aroused than he ever had with Lindsey or any woman before or since. 

This was _right_. 

Shepard ran his hands down Kaidan’s chest and then rested them on his pectorals, gently playing with Kaidan’s nipples. Kaidan shivered with anticipation and desire. “John...” Kaidan gasped. “You’re teasing me.”

Shepard gave Kaidan a seductive smirk, enjoying the shiver he could feel it gave Kaidan. “You bet your ass I am,” Shepard whispered. He leaned in close to Kaidan’s ear and said huskily, “Gonna do something about it?”

In response, Kaidan pulled on the hem of Shepard’s own shirt. Shepard shivered himself at the rush of air on his own bare chest, and it just deepened when he felt Kaidan resting his hands where Shepard’s neck met his shoulders and began rubbing gentle circles with his thumbs. If they weren’t careful, they might just tease each other all the way to orgasm. And that would just be embarrassing. 

Kaidan seemed to have the same thought, because he began kicking off his boots and pulling himself out of his pants. Shepard followed his lead and that was it – they were naked. Shepard moved as close as he could to Kaidan without actually touching him, feeling intoxicated just being around Kaidan, feeling the heat radiating off his body. By the way that Kaidan’s eyes fluttered, he felt the same. Shepard pushed Kaidan into the shower, quickly activating it, as he realized that if they didn’t get in soon, they’d wind up just going at it here and now. 

As the water hit them, Shepard pulled Kaidan into another kiss, savoring the touch and taste of the man he held. Gently, he reached down and wrapped a hand around Kaidan’s length. Kaidan pulled back enough to moan, getting a grin out of Shepard. “God, John... Feels so good.” Kaidan reached over and began to return the favor. They were slow and careful, savoring this. It had taken time to get here, and they were going to take their time with this. To hell with the geth, Saren, the Reapers... All of that didn’t matter for the night. Tonight was theirs, and they needed to savor the time they had. 

Shepard kissed Kaidan again, enjoying the taste and feel of his lover. Kaidan eagerly returned the kiss, neither of them letting go of the other. They briefly pulled back, panting for breath. Even going slowly, they were nearing their climax. They’d been dreaming and anticipating this chance to be together like this. Now that they were acting on their feelings, they both knew that they weren’t going to last for very long. 

At least, not the first time.

Shepard was determined, though, that he wasn’t going to be the first to come. He leaned in towards Kaidan’s ear. “I’m not leaving you, Kaidan,” he swore. Not that he didn’t mean it, but he wagered that hearing that promise would send Kaidan over the edge. He was right. And as Shepard’s lover gasped and came, it pushed Shepard over as well. 

Kaidan leaned against the wall and Shepard against him as the results of their mutual handjob was washed away. Shepard kissed Kaidan again as they recovered. “John...” Kaidan gasped as they pulled apart to suck in more air. “John... Did you mean that?”

Shepard’s first instinct was to let his sense of inappropriate humor kick in and say that no one was held to what they say in the middle of sex, but he wisely held back on that. “Yes, Kaidan. I meant it. I don’t have sex with just anyone. I only... do this with someone who... I love.” He couldn’t deny that word at this point. Besides, Kaidan had already said it before, back before Virmire. 

Kaidan looked at him, his eyes sparkling. “I love you, John.”

“I love you, Kaidan.” They met again in a gentle and loving kiss. They held their embrace for a long time, letting the water fall around them, wiping away both the discomfort that this mission had filled them with as well as their awareness of the world outside of the room. They had each other, and that was what they needed at this moment. 

Neither were exactly sure of the exact time they spent in the shower, but then the water suddenly became cold.

As they leapt out of the shower, the ship’s VI chimed in. “ _The Captain’s shower has reached its allotted amount of hot water per daily usage. Please conclude your activities and vacate the shower area as soon as possible._ ”

Kaidan gave Shepard a look. “Have I mentioned that I really hate the ‘friendliness’ of VIs?” he asked. Shepard just grinned.

***

They returned to the main section of Shepard’s quarters, drying one another off. However, the interruption had dampened the mood slightly. By an unspoken agreement, they weren’t going to take things further – their instincts both warned against tempting fate through taking the next step. They were probably already pushing their luck by having admitted to loving one another, they weren’t going to press it further by going all the way. 

Instead, they both crawled under the sheets of Shepard’s bed. Shepard wrapped an arm around his lover and fell into a comfortable sleep.

That comfortable sleep lasted until a dream came, jolting Shepard awake. It involved Saren, standing on the command deck of the Normandy, snapping Kaidan’s neck while Shepard could only watch impotently, being held by geth as Sovereign hovered in space outside the viewports. There was also a bit involving Joker, a monkey in suspenders, and a cybernetic chicken, which made Shepard fairly confident it was nothing but a nightmare, as opposed to another vision formed from the prothean beacon on Eden Prime. At least he hoped it wasn’t a vision.

He’d managed not to awaken Kaidan as he slid out of the bed. He slipped on his clothes and made his way up to the cockpit. He had always managed to find comfort in staring at the stars. Joker was at the helm, flying them in the direction of the Mu Relay. 

“Commander,” Joker said in quiet acknowledgment. 

Shepard nodded. “Joker. We on course for Ilos?” he asked. 

“Of course, Commander.” Joker sounded almost offended by the question, but he clearly knew that it was nerves as opposed to a question of Joker’s abilities. He waited a moment. “So, how’s Lieutenant Alenko doing?” Shepard gave him a glare. Joker gave him a slightly apologetic look before returning focus to the board. 

Shepard stared up at the stars outside the ship and began to realize that his concerns about what would happen on Ilos were pointless in the grand scheme. Staring at the stars, he realized how small he was, and how big the Reaper threat was. Whatever was going to happen on Ilos, it was going to happen whether he wanted it to or not. How could one human stand against a threat that had existed for untold millennia? 

“Feel like the galaxy’s on your shoulders, huh Commander?” Joker’s voice cut through his thoughts.

Shepard nodded. “Could say that.”

“You’ll get through this, Commander. We all have your back.”

“You don’t think I’m leading you straight into hell?”

“No one on this ship would be here if we didn’t think you’d bring us through to the other side.” From Kaidan, Shepard would have heard the words simply as the comforting thing that your lover tells you to keep you doing what you need to. Hearing it from Joker, it was just the thing he needed to hear. 

Shepard patted Joker on the shoulder. “Thanks for that, Joker.”

Joker, not realizing how much his commanding officer had needed the pep talk, just looked to him in confusion. “Uh... No problem... Commander.” Shepard smirked to himself and returned to his quarters. 

It wasn’t long before Kaidan stirred. It took him a moment to realize that Shepard wasn’t in the bed with him, but he was visibly relieved to see Shepard sitting at the desk. Shepard gave his lover an affectionate smirk. “Something wrong, Kaidan?”

“Just... concerned about waking up alone after last night,” Kaidan said with a smirk of his own.

Shepard nodded. “CO’s work waits for no man.” He sat on the bed and kissed his lover, savoring the moment. “I love you, Kaidan,” he murmured when they parted for air.

Before Kaidan could respond, the comm beeped. “ _Commander, we’re approaching the Mu Relay. You’d better get up here._ ”

Five minutes later and Shepard would have sworn a bloody and violent death for Joker. As it was, he was just inclined to break a leg. Joker already had crutches, it wasn’t as if it’d be a great hardship for him. 

“You’d better get up there, John,” Kaidan said. “And I should probably get dressed myself.” He gave Shepard a smile, promising more when they got back. “Can’t fight Saren and the geth in my birthday suit.”

“I wouldn’t mind,” Shepard said. Kaidan just rolled his eyes.

***

Ilos had been one thing. Fighting Saren on the Citadel had been another. But despite all the difficulties they’d gone through getting there, the day had been won. And miraculously, the loss of life had been less than the analysts said it could have been. It was no comfort to those who had lost friends and family, of course, but it was still a miracle in the greater scheme of things – the Reapers had been stopped. For today at least. And one of them had even been destroyed. That had to qualify as a momentous event in and of itself.

Shepard had been pretty banged up – most people didn’t make it out of starship debris falling practically on top of them alive, let alone without permanent injury. That Shepard came away with little more than scrapes, bumps, bruises, and a couple of minor fractures had been a miracle of its own. 

Politicians, though, had no respect for miracles, and the Council had practically stormed the _Normandy_ medbay to have the man who saved the Citadel at the start of their celebrations. If there was a more amusing sight than watching a middle aged human woman chasing the Citadel Council out of her medical bay and telling them in no uncertain terms that their pomp and circumstance would have to wait until her patients were recovered, Shepard hadn’t seen it. The entire squad broke into applause (barring Wrex, who just gave an amused grunt, which was likely just the krogan equivalent) at the sight. 

Doctor Chakwas just gave her wards a warning look, just barely tempered with amusement. “Don’t think you’re getting off that easily. You are all going to be spending at least the next forty-eight hours on bed rest, and I don’t want to hear a word of protest from any of you. Understood?” No one in the medbay dared argue with her.

Although the good doctor was not someone that Shepard was willing to cross, he still had to ask. “Doctor, I have a bed of my own. I don’t suppose you’d let me go back to my quarters?”

Chakwas crossed her arms. “If I let you do that, I have a sneaking suspicion that Lieutenant Alenko will insist on joining you. And then neither of you will get any rest. Request denied.” Then she chuckled to herself. “Do you have any idea how long I’ve waited to say that to a superior officer?”

“Your whole career?” Kaidan suggested with just the hint of a smile. 

With a glimmer of humor in her eyes, Chakwas fixed him with a glare. “I’d be careful with what I said, Mister Alenko. Remember, I’m the one in charge in here.”

“I think we’re in little danger of forgetting that, Doc,” Shepard said, rescuing Kaidan from her stern gaze. Chakwas nodded and returned to her medical dispenser to pick out what she’d need for the varied crew occupying every bed in the bay.

Kaidan looked to Shepard. “We really did it, didn’t we, John? We saved the galaxy.”

Shepard nodded. “That we did.” Though Shepard knew Sovereign was only the beginning, that there were plenty other Reapers just waiting in dark space, the galaxy had been saved today, and nothing could take that victory away. 

He reached over and took Kaidan’s hand. Kaidan smiled at him. The Reapers could wait until tomorrow. For today, there was them.


End file.
